Loz Pyromaniac of time
by the fenox
Summary: My interperatation of Loz:ocarana of time
1. A farie,A Tree,A Fire

_**Zelda Pyromaniac of Time**_

By The Fenox

The Fenox-This is my version of the ocorana of time and a little warning my spelling sucks but I try and now on to the disclamer

Disclamer- I LIKE PIE!1!1!11!1!one ; )

TF-What the hell was that about

Disclamer-I'm a bad bad disclamer Goodbye Crule World For It Is No Longer My Time To Live. AHHHHHHHH...

runs into a building in the backround. elevator noises are heard and Disclamer is seen runing to and jumping off the edge of the roof...HHHHHHHHHH...That hurt...damn i cant even kill my self

TF-practice makes perfect... anyways on to the story

Deku Tree-Navi comeforth

Navi-what is it you stupid tree

Deku-what! i was gona give you to the guy who spoils faries by giving them tons of chocolate and little farie toys but since im stupid i want you to go the boy with no farie.

Navi-NOOOOOOOOOOO! every time sombody does one of the fanfics when i go to the boy with no farie i end up dying, get eatin, killed, set on fire, hurt alot, obliterated and killed again many times in the same chapter. I'll be good I know, I will take a vow of silence just please let me go to the farie spoiler guy.

Deku-Nah... I was gonna send you to Link anyway I just made up the other guy.

Navi-I hate you, you probobly can't tell but im givng you the finger.

Flys off twoards links hut, so caught up in her loathing of the tree to notice the fence

Ouch

Navi-Link wake up...

Link- /o-34R /\/\3 1 4/\/\ 73- L337 HAXOR!

Navi-just wake up you stupid faggy elf fag wake up and hurt me allready so i can get on with my life even though im probobly gonna die...repeatdly...In this chapter.

Link-what was that the light bulb's talking i new i shouldn't have snorted all of Saria's farie's dust.

Navi-you rember snorting dust from a farie but you don't even reconise that one is talking to you.

Link-what would a farie be doing in my house I don't have anything worth stealing.

Navi- Im your farie.

Link-I dont have a farie.

Navi-You do now.

Link-Umm...I think I'm gonna go get some more drugs from Saria.

Navi-Link the Deku Tree needs you.

Link-Why bother, Mido will get in my way like a jackass.He dont like me so much since kindergarten.

FlashBack

Mido-Look at me Saria i have a Farie and i'm only Five. Link don't have a farie cuz he likes boys.

Link-First off im not gay Second i think you just wet yourself Third...

Mido-look Mr. Tights can count to three

Link-Hey peethepants I'm wearing the same clothes you are

Mido-Shut up mr no farie i did not wet myself

Link- Call me no farie agian ill go get my stick

Mido-Im not afraid of a stick mr. No fairy...what are you doing...AHHHHHHH MY EYE! I can't hear any thing...Stop hiting me...The pain.. My left side just went numb.. I can't feel my legs ... Oh my goddesses I'm bleeding so bad im amazed i have any blood left...Not the face not the face...It hurts so bad...what did I do to deserve this torture won't you stop this and stop prolnging my suffering and just kill me...why link why did you do this to me!

Link-I havent hit you with the stick yet.

Mido-ohh sorry.

End Flash Back

Navi-that flash back avcomplished nothing mabey even less than nothing.

Link-I guess Ill try to get passed Mido but i promise nothing.

they travel to where Mido stands"

Mido- i cant let you pass whithout a sword and a shield.

Link-I can steal a shield from the store but a sword it is imposible all hope is lost what am ever going to do why can't anything go right for me First i never even get a farie and now i need a sword whatever shall I do.

Navi-if you don't have a farie than what am I. jeese and here i thought he was gonna just be psycotic drug atic and not stupid.

Link-Ohhh talking light bulb where shall I get a sword.

Navi-god I hate stupid people. I the mystic lightbulb suggest asking one of your friends.

Link-you are right once again mystic lightbulb where would I be with out your wisdom.

Navi-OD on farie dust..

so link traveled and asked the girl sitting on the store roof, The Guy who can't pick up the rock and then finaly he found Saria

Saria-Ohhh My Goddesses LINK GET DOWN THE LIGHT BULB WILL RIP OUT YOUR ENTRIALS AND PLAY GAMES WHITH YOUR INTESTINES!

Link- AHHHHH HIT THE DIRT!

Navi-what the hell is wrong with you two link i already told you im YOUR farie and Saria you have a farie you should know what one looks like.

Saria-OMFG! It's making noises Link try and reason with it. the light bulb semes to be smart enough for human confersation but its words are to big it must be speaking spanish.

Link-I'll try AHEM...No eato, Me and Saria yo comprendemos...

Navi- The biggst word i siad was already and im not speaking spanish

Saria-Link it's not working try harder.

Link-Donde esta la biblioteca.La Queso de gobierno es muy chistos en mis pantalones. Mi nobre is adan. Taco Verde Pollo Coche Rascacielo Bean Burrito.

Navi-i appologise to annyone who speaks spanish. Saria do you no where a sword is?

Saria-I'll tell you if you promise not to eat me.

Navi-fine I won't eat you but only beacuse your **18TRILLION TIMES** my size.

Saria­-thank you light bulb theres a hole in the wall over there get past the rock it's in the treasure chest .

Link-you mean the kokori sword every one knows about that sword. what does a light bulb need a sword for anyway.

Navi-you are by far the biggist idiot i have ever seen.

Link- what was I doing.

Navi-getting the kokori sword.

Link-no that's not it There was something about swords.

Navi-Link theres a shiney thing in the treasure cheast in that hole over there.

Link-do you think im easily mesmerised and tricked to do anything just beacuse shineys are invoved.

Navi-ummmm...Yes.

Link-i shall get the shiney

Navi watches link run into a hole, several screems and squishing noises are heard then link comes out holding a sword in a victorious pose"

Link- Foul evil thou shall fall before my blade as i destroy all agents of chaos and return the world to the peaceful order that it once was. I feel pity for any fell beast foolish enough to cross the my path and i feel worse for anyone lacking the intellegence to know that if they cross swords with the mighty hero of time they shall be slayn in a most malicious way for they were unlucky enough to anger the blood lust that resides deep within my heart all who attempt to hide sshall be burned away by my eminating aura of greatness they shall fail and die before he who is the Link The Hero Of Tim...Massive brain Fart what was i doing agian.

Navi-getting a shield.

Link-OKAY.

goes into the store, and next to the shield rack.

Link-Lightbulb watch my masterful thefing techniques.

Navi-Thiefing techniques

Link-watch and do everything i say.

link goes into the store then semingly out of nowhere points and shouts."

LOOK A DISTRACTION!

grabs the shiedl and runs

ShopOwner-Where I can't find any distractions...damn i've been robed agian

Link-Mido let me pass.

Navi- it would help if you stoped yelling at the sign and asked Mido to move.

Link-Thats jmust crazy enough to work.

walks twords Mido

Move

Mido-OKAY

Link-that was pretty easy

walks to the Deku tree

Holy mother of satan your huge

Deku Tree-I'm Gonna talk alot eat you and then talk some more

Link-im gonna break your brances and make a slingshot.

he does so

Deku tree-That hurt

Link-OMFG! It talked ahhhhhhhhhhh runs in circles screaming ...so cold need warmth Link rubs

sticks togeter catching the tree on fire and causing the emerald to falll This Rock Is Shiney It Must Be Important To Our Quest

Chap1 end

Navi- Holy shit I am alive...damn I just jinxed it didn't I

The Fenox-yes...very yes

Squishes Navi, Eats Navi, Craps Her Out, Stabs her, Sets her on Fire. Puts the fire out by hitting her with a stick nd then a rock untill her entire body ceases to exist and then kills her again.

R&R


	2. A Owl, A Castle, A Fire

**_LOZ: The Pyromaniac of Time_**Chapter2

Disclamer­--You Know for a story called the pyromaniac of time there was only a little bit of fire

The Fenox-Shut up I dont insult your stories

Disclamer-I don't write stories I just Disclame them

The Fenox-Well then do your job or I'll stab you in the heart with a golden Knife

Disclamer-Sue the fenox all you want he don't have no money so go ahead and sue him

The Fenox-your a very bad disclamer you know that right, ahhheem...I own nothing not even the things that belong to me

Disclamer-\/\/()\/\!11!1!111!one! I wish I could do that

The Fenox-Your suposed to do that now come here it's stabbin time

Disclamer- Ahhh no no stop the agaony the blood, ribs cracked, lungs punctured, spleen un accounted for

The Fenox-Muhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha (Coughs and has a brain fart) Wait what was i doing? Oh Yeah back to stabbing

Disclamer -Noooooooo Lord what did i do to piss you off. If you could please let me know i'll try to rectify the situation

---------------------

Link is seen running out of the forest with navi following him

Saria- Hey Link

Link- OMFG! it's a green haired monster were all gonna live hid yourself in my stomach mystic light bulb

eat's navi

Saria-no it's just me. I carved you a potat... I mean an ocarina

Link-THX

Saria-Hey some idiot burned down the deku tree and now the whole forest is on fire so can I go with you

Link-No you lyng sadistic whore...wait what... I don't care come on let's go

link starts violently coughing

Saria-Link are you okay

Link-I think I got a light bulb stuck in my throuht

Saria-Not a light bulb there imposible to get out of some one what ever are we going to do, link your going to die I miss you already

Link-The only thing that could save me is a fairy why do I have to be the only elf in the forest without a fairy

link coughs some more and navi emerges from his mouth

Link-Thank god it's a fariy miss fariy thing i have a light bulb in my thoruht can you help me

Navi-I'm sorry link I only wish I could have helped let you die

Saria-I'm bored lets get ouit of here

so they left the burning forest only to find an owl"

Owl-Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah BahBlah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah BahBlah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah BahBlah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah BahBlah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah Blah Blah Blah Bah

Link-ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I cant take it any more

link runs into the forest leaving navi and saria staring after him sceams are heard squishy noises are heard a link emerges holding a very charred and still burning mido then he tosses it at the owl who's feathers ignight and a roast the owl

Owl-ouch

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Link-The damn things annoing even when it dies

Saria-Looks like KFC for dinner tonight it's finger liking good

Link-I can think of something else i'd like to lick

Saria-Blushes

Link-See Goes and licks a nearby rock

Navi- hey link let's go meet the princess

Link-Yay lets go

So they travled for six nights and two days facing many trials such as the flyiey pear things that hurt you and break arms and then there was a skeleton and link had to figt it but it was mean and didn't like link beacuse link was alive and the skeleton got jelous but he mad the mistake of touching link shiney sword so link removed his the skeletons arm and beat the skeleton to life and then to death again then finaly they made it to hyrule then they made it to castle gate

GateGuy1-you can't go past hear bacuse ummmmmmmmm we said so now go away

link walks away out of the corner of his eye he sees an easily scaleable vines behind a girl around links age

Link-hey can you move

Malon-HIi'mmalonILiveatafarmmydaddissapearedlastnighthaveaneggilikeyousoi'mgonafowllowyouaround

Link-ok whatever just don't get me caught

Malon-Yayletsgo!

as link saria and malon climb the vines and heads twords the castle they see Talon sleeping

Link-OMFG! it's Mario!

Talon-Huh what, whos there whats going on

Link-mario will you sign my hat

Saria-will you sign my ocirana

Malon-Mario will you sign my dress

Talon-Malon i'm your dad

Malon-nuhuh my dads a farmer your a plumber, My dad would be home beacuse I made all the chikens get pissed and they killed the farm helpers when I got my breakfeast that I gave to link beacuse his hat is cool

Talon-you pissed off the chikens again damn it

runs of at a extreme pace kicking up dust behind him

LInk-I thought he'd be tougher to wake up what was the point of the egg

Malon-where I come from an egg is a sighn of undying love

Navi-don't you come from lon lon ranch where there eggs are simply a means of profit

Malon-well look at me im a know it all fairy

Link-we have stuff to do

they crawl through that hole thingy and see the guards

Saria-guards they will surely toss us out of the palace if they catch us

Link-come on saria you have green hair they will probably mistake you for a bush watch try it

Saria walks pass the guards as a bush

Guard1-did that bush just move

Guard2-yeah it did that must be one pretty amazing bush

Insert Dirty Joke Here

Link now my turn to get past these guards

link sneaks past the most of the guards

Malon-look there's my boyfriend link

Final Guard- hey Kid get out of the palace

tosses link and malon out

Malon-hey link were all alone and Saria is gone

Link-im only 11 I haven't even started puberty yet i have no clue what your implyng, and now thanks to you i have to sneak passed the guards again do not get me caught again

455 failed atempts later

Link-fine malon if you won't let me sneak passed the guards, i'll out smart them. GUARDS LOOK A DISTRACTION!

Guard1-where

Guard2-there it is right next to the big dipper

Guard1-Oh I thought that was a star

Saria-link you finaly made it i thought you stoped paying atention and left me all alone

Link-the only reason you wanted to see me is so you could get some fairy dust from navi

Sari-not true

starts shaking navi furiosly and forms a line from the falling dust

Malon-Link I Need to tell you something Malon aka me is a scitziod and has 43.2 split pearsonalities

all of witch have fallen in love with you and i the only sane personality needs you to get out of here now if you don't I will end up following you around becoming jelous and cuasing pain and misfourtune for the rest of your days and I can't let that happen I love you too much please link leave me no...SHUT UP YOU LYNG BITCH DON'T YOU EVER EMRGE TO THE EMOTIONAL SURFACE OF THE BOODY AGAIN...linkjustignoreeverythingijustsaidiIdoloveyoubutimnotajelouospersonandiwonthurtyouatall

Link-so zelda your rich right

Zelda-your the boy my dreams...insert dirty joke here...and I need you to get three shiney rocks for a neklace im making...to save the world and possibly even time itself

Link-as you comand so it shall be done but first i must break a window it just insulted me

shoots a deku nut through a window and a bomb is tossed back at link

you droped a shiney ill give it back

tosses the bomb back the ensuing explosion cuatches the palace on fire

Impa-ZELDA THE CASTLES ON FIRE...hey kids get the hell out of the castle or i will cut you with my pointy boobs link,saria and malon are tossed out side the palace

Malon-solinklikesrichgirlshuh...I Have A Plan MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Saria-singing to the tune of sarias songTalk with elves,Talk with elves, You can talk to elves when you play this song

Link-I must retrive the shineys

Navi-I hate my life

---------chapter 2 end

Navi-please kill me

The Fenox-I dicided it would be worse for you if you stayed alive and had to put up with them

Navi-you are an evil bastard

The Fenox- Navi over Evil Very Yes Mohahahahahahahahahaha

Navi-Did you say Mohahahahahahaha

The Fenox-Yes

Navi-Idiot

The Fenox-Yeah i am ain't i oh no my whole life is a lie AHHHHHHH Smite me all mighty smiter Oh wait i'm am the allmighty smiter procedes to smite Navi many thousads of times.

Navi-I hate my life


	3. A Dbz knock off, A Godzilla, A Fire

**_LOZ: The Pyromaniac of Time_** Chapter3

Disclamer-The Fenox does not own Chrono Trigger the rights to Chrono Trigger are property of Square Enix

The Fenox-Can't you do any thing right that disclamer has absolutly nothing about Ninitendo owning Zelda and how I don't own Godzilla DBZ or any thing else worth owning. However if you wanted to see where that would be a decent disclamer would be relevent read my Cyrus trigger. Now That im done with the self promoting we get to discuss your punishment

Disclamer-how about you feed me subway I hate subs

The Fenox-I was thinking we heat the end of a needle and lightly tap your eyes so they boil pinprick by pinprick until we covered the entire eye...but I could go for some subs

Link and Co. had finaly made it to the town whoes name shall not be typted manly beacuse I forgot what it was called. the party tavelled to the gate from Hyrule to the Death Moutain gate but Link and his friends had not arive until the next day however they were in time to see a hungover town begain to wake up and go about it's buisness however drunk the citizens had been or as some were still"

Saria-hey link what happend to your shield

Link-rember when it was cold and I started a fire

Saria-you set your shiled on fire

Link-it was the only wood I could find

Saria-we camped next to a tree

Link-Don't wory I set that on fire too

Navi-why don't you just steal another shield

so link went to the store that sells shields and saw the passed out shopkeeper

Link-hey can I keep this sheild indicating a metal shield beacuse the shinieness excited him...thanks sir

as link went to leave the store he realized he needed to use the batroom very badly so he went to the store's bathroom were link found a half empty bottle of wisky some toilet papper and someand some tooth paste from with witch link made a crude moltov cocktail and went to go find his friends

Malon-Hey link look I found a chicken

Link-You live on a farm you think you would be used to chickens by now

Malon-Bu7 L1/\/K ! L0\/3 cH1/ 3nZ 7-3Y R 50 4\/\/50/\/\3

Link-what the hell did you say,screw it I got a game, malon throw the chicken

Malon threw the chicken and link pelted it with the moltov and the chicken was coverd in whisky

Ohhhh yea I forgot to light it

Link pulls a deku stick out off a nearby plothole and lit it on the town lantern then touches it to the chicken witch ignights and runs around town seting fire to every thing in town

Saria-Link you got to stop that chicken or it will destroy the town

Link-right im on it

runs off in the derection of Hrule

Navi-he's gonna get us all killed

Saria-Did you see the look in his eye something very stupid is about to happen

Malon-why did link do that to the chicken? does he not like chickens? Then i no longer like chickens ethi... OMFG IT'S GODZILLA

Saria-god you have to be the dumbst person i have ever met sombody should smack you beacuse y...

OHHHHH MY GOD IT IS GODZILLA

Link returns to town riding Godzilla he finds the chicken in the burning town then directs Godzilla to play hackysack with the chicken witch goes on for several minutes then Godzilla kickes the chiken infront of his face and nukes it with his lazer breat thing and then lets the chicken drop near the ground and punts it through a building on the other side of town and into the face of a villager and drops to the ground gathers his commposure and Crows and calls down rain of chickens on Godzilla but with link in control the chickens are all evaded or knocked away

Link-is that all you got Chicken

The Chicken is suddenly sorounded by by a glow of energy nearby rocks and people are lifted in the air as the chickens feathers grow golden then shortly afterwards his featers and wings grow rapidly

Link-Holy Shit! Super CHicke Three! Duck For Cover!

Link dives from Godzilla and hits and continues through the roof of a building

The Chicken flys at Godzilla and round house kickes Godzilla witch sends godzilla spinning in the air the chicken super dragon pecks Godzilla Sending him flying into the distance then shoots several energy blasts at Godzilla and watches the Hugenormus burning corpse hit the ground with a sicking thud. The Chicken then flys away into the noontime sun witch was so hot it fried the chicken who then droped to the ground and lands in a bucket

Spider guys-Link we need you to kill all the gold skultulas so we can become human again

Link-Spiders AHHHHHHH!

sets the building on fire and runs away until he meets Saria, Navi, and Malon

Saria-Hey link where did you find Godzilla

Link-At th Renta-Zilla Place in Hyrule, Listen guys today I set a town on fire, fought off a zillion angry chikens, stole a shield, found a plot hole, jumped through a building off of a Dragon, Killed Some Spider guys and watched the worlds cheapest knock off of Dragon Ball Z there ever was so I think my work here is done let's go meet the gorons.

end chapter

The Fenox-Will Link ever gather all the shines? Will Malon ever gain even the slightest bit of sanity? Will I ever stop shamelessly ripping off T.V. and Internet Comics? Probly not but find out in Chapter Four

Navi-It's about time there was a decent amount of fire in a chapter

The Fenox-I know

Pause for 3 seconds as nothing is said

Navi-Thats it,You know, no smart ass Comments no killing me fine then i'll tell you everything wrong with your story A. It Sucks B.The Writing style Is Bad C. Your spelling is pathetic at best D. You rarely come up with your own jokes E. The Jokes you steal Suck F. The few jokes you do make up are unfunny G. Your story is too plot oriented to be random and too tandom to be plot oriented H.you randomly capitalize I. you use l337 in the story at random intravals J. The L337 you do use is not correct K.Link seems to alternate from retarded to idiotic too some what intellegent L.though the story is supposed to be about link you spend alot of time with your character taliking M. Your discriptions of actions are horrible N. You have a stoner charecter who is rarley seen doing drugs O.there was only little bits of scatered fire untill this chapter P.I am hardly ever in this story Q. your way of showing actions i.e. the Blah thing is retarded R. you completly skipped the first dungeon S.Your personality for Malon is just several other peoples personality for Ruto moved to a different charecther T. The Owl and Deku tree are important to the plot however annoying they are U. Link traveles with charecters he should not be

V.For no reason the charecter goes where there suposed to for the continuation of the plot W. Your Disclamers are so bad you will probly be sued X.You use punctuation in sentences but never at the end Y. You are just an all around bad author Z. there is so much shit wrong with this story I made it through the entire alphabet

The Fenox-You done

Nav-Yes

The Fenox-read Chap 4


	4. A missing chapter,A Volcano,A fire

_**Legend Of Zelda:Pyromaniac Of Time Chapter 5**_

Disclaimer-The Fenox does not own the legend of Zelda…….He wait a minute

The Fenox- What why did you stop you were doing so good

What-what happened to chapter 4

The Fenox-we skipped it

You-you cant just skip a chapter people might get confused or missed something vital to the story

The Fenox- were going through one of my chapters nothing important ever happens and the 4 chapter had even less happen

Are-are you sure

The Fenox-yes nothing Significant happened in the last chapter now on to the story

--------------------------------------------------------

Link had finally made it up death mountain and into the goron city thing feeling that the most signifiagant thing ever to happen to him ever had just happened in the last chapter and that anyone who missed was S.O.L. and since everyone knows sol is Spanish for sun we can safely say that link is a moron

Link-Come on everyone lets go talk to the big stupid rock things

Malon-I cant believe link gets to call something stupid.

Link-Malon your not speaking L337 you have spaces in your words and you even have punctuation OMFG your smart what happened

Malon-link you were there remember last chapter when the……….A large drunken goron rolls over Malon at 90 mph witch was 83mph over the speed limit so a police goron following the drunken goron run Malon over also causing sever brain trauma…owmyheadhurts.

Link-noooooooo! Malon is speaking stupid again she's lost all her mighty brain power

Malon-actualylinkijustlosttheabilitytoputspacesinmywordsimstillintellegent.

Link-no the woman I loved ran over by a drunken goron and killed I shall get my revenge

Saria-link when did you find out they were called gorons

Link-just a minute a go I looked it up in the strategy guide

Saria-when did you get a strategy guide

Link-last chapter remember

Saria-so they just had a strategy out in the middle of nowhere

Link-why don't you read chapter 4 and find out

Saria-ok, so where do we go now

Link-how the hell should I know

Saria-read the strategy guide

Link-ummm I cant

Saria-why

Link-I am illiterate

Saria-you don't even know what that means what did you do

Link-well I set it on fire and it got hot so I threw it and it landed in the giant jug thing

Saria well why don't you go and get it

Link everyone hold on to me were going to fly inside the jug

Malon-No!dumbassyoucantflyyouarejustgoingtogetusallkilled.

Link-you too Malon come-on lets go

link grabs Malon and Saria and jumps from the top level of the city

Saria-navi why did you let him talk me into this your supposed to be his voice of reason

Navi-you guys never listen to me so now your going to suffer a painful death plus Saria I will never forgive you for what you did to me in the last chapter now die bitch die MWAHAHAHAHAhAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhAhAH

Saria-spaz much

Navi-sorry fairies have short tempers

Saria-what happened to my fairy anyway

Navi-we sacrificed him to the goat last chapter remember

Saria-ohh yeah

and so they plummeted to there almost certain doom however link having stuffed in shoes with rocks in the last chapter fell the fastest and landed on the squishy nothingness of his head saved him and Then he provided Saria and Malon with a cushion saving there lives and navi just kind of flew down because she has wings where a fat goron complained about how much his life sucked

BFG-I hate my life I wish some one can play a song on their ocarina to cheer me up

Saria-link play a song on the ocarina I gave you

Link-about that I don't..

Saria- if you set the ocarina on fire too then ill…

Link-no its not that I just never learned any songs

Saria-none at all not even last chapter

Link-no

Saria-well I do know one song I can sing

Link-go for it

Saria-(to the tune of Saria's song) talk with elves, talk with elves you can talk with elves if you play this song do do dodo

BFG-I LOVDED YOUR SONG WOOOOOT IM GONNA DANCE!

dances about like an idot.

Why don't you go in the volcano place and get the red shiny

Link-OK!

bunch stuff happens and they enter the dungeon

Link-look at all the lava lava lava lava….

Saria-oh shit he's having a flashback what the hell does he remember this time

Link-I had a flash back to last chapter I know what I have to do

I must

Navi-ooohhh shit I never should have told him that joke

Link runs into the heart of the volcano stabbing anything in his way doubling back stabbing Malon then running off again

Saria-so how long do you think hens goanna be

Malon-doyouthinkigiveashitthatbasrtardjuststabbedmeihopethebossmonsterkillshim!

Link; far away from everyone else Die boss monster thingy

suddenly the hole volcano begins to shake and a lava flow chases Saria navi and a injured Malon all the way to the boss room where link is standing

Link-lava lava must kill lava link stabs the lava witch instantly cools turning into pumice now to exit the dungeon

Saria-how do we get out the exit is blocked off

Link-ohh its simple I simply eat the still beating heart of the boss and step into the blue light thing

link eats the heart and enters the blue light wohooooooo I flying I told you I can owww link's head hit's the ceiling the blue light lowers him and rises him up faster and faster until he breaks through the ceiling and every one else enters the light and are gently taken to there destination

BFG-you turned off all the lava now how will I make hot cocoa you jack ass

Link-but navi said fire was bad

Navi-in some cases link fire is good

Link-what ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

runs into the volcano an eruption ensues witch is some how directed at the gorons bomb flower fields causing massive death and destruction a blue light shimmers next to Saria and Link appears

Link-Lets get out of here

End chapter 5

---------------------------------

Navi- I cant believe you skipped a chapter

The Fenox-why

Navi-because each chapter is important in its own way and now people will be missing part of the story

The Fenox-no I mean what would make you think I wouldn't skip a chapter

Navi-ummmm I hate you


	5. A lake, A sighn, but no fire

_**LOZ: Pyromaniac of time chap 6**_

Disclaimer- Why does link get a sword and I don't

The Fenox- partially because he is the main character of this story, partially because he needs a sword to kill monsters but mainly I just don't like you

Disclaimer- what do I have to do to get a sword

The Fenox-disclaim this story properly for once

Disclaimer- Damn what about an Axe

The Fenox-pass 12th grade English

Disclaimer- what I pas engrish this unposible

The Fenox- no Axe for you then

Disclaimer-axe nazi

The Fenox-I got a question who names there kid disclaimer if they can't even disclaim a Zelda fanfic

My-my parents now on to the story

The Fenox-you cant do that im the author I say…….

Disclaimer-on with the story

--------------

Link stood there thinking shineys in hand

Link-Emerald from the forest, Ruby from the volcano the Emerald gem obviously symbolizes flora or plant life or perhaps Earth and the life in general and Ruby Gem stands for lava, magma and Fire in general if these Gems continue in the manner than it is only logical then the next Gem should be of an Azure color and symbolize water perhaps a lake or a river maybe even an ocean however since there is no oceans in Hyrule that makes it ether the lake or the river. The forest is near the Elves and the volcano near the settlement of the Gorons perhaps the third Gem is located near another group of odd inhabitants and if my hypothesis is correct the Zoras whom live in the river which would keep with the Gem color to element consistency should live somewhere in the vicinity of the third Gem.

Saria-did link figure all that out by himself

Malon-Ibelievehedidandwhatanoverwhelmingshowofmindpowerwhichweallthoughtphysicallyorin thiscasementallythoughtpossibleespeciallycomingfromlinkjustshowingthat…

Saria-don't you dare go smart on me too

Link-I know where we must go to retrieve the next gem. Every one fallow me.

So they journeyed fallowing Link he led them for two days six nights and ten horrible minutes in a taco bell before they finally they arrived at there destination

Link-here we are

Saria-umm Link I think you went the wrong way or some thing

Malon-yayIhaven'tbeenhomeinalongtimeheyLinkimgoingtogoplayinthefieldwithmyfavoritehorse.

Link-yhea sure Malon go do whatever you want

Malon-whyisitthatyoucanunderstandwhatiamsayingatcertaintimesandatothersyourcluelessdoyouhaveselectiveunderstandingorsomething.

Link-what did you say I cant understand what your saying when you don't put spaces in you words so are you going to go play with your horse or what

Saria-link we are at Lon Lon ranch we are nowhere close to water not even a fountain or a well you took us in the completely wrong direction after talking like you were smart and had actually done something intelligent for once and you just let me down

Link- we are near the river look at this sign it says ummm…. Wrench, and then there's a funny lightning bolt or maybe an E thing followed by another wrench and everyone knows that its elfish for river and since I was raised by elves who better to know how to read a sign in elfish

Saria-I am an elf and I believe that an actual elf would be better than an elf to read elfish and that sign says "RIVER" wait a second I guess you were right the sign does say river should we start looking for the blue gem

Link-Nah I don't think it's here I think it is in a river not just by a sign that says river besides in Hyrulian the sign says your mother is so ugly she looks like a man or maybe that your mother is a man as well as a woman and in common tong it reads Lon Lon ranch but as to what "Lon" means you have to ask Malon

Saria-you know the fact that you can read is amazing but the fact that you can read three languages is astounding

Link-who cares lets just hang here for a minute snort some fairy dust find Malon and figure out how to get to where ever the hell we are going to look for the blue shiny for I truly desire some shines

Saria-you'd thing you would get a map or something

Link- I got a map but Navi says I have to press start to look at it and I can't figure out how to press start

Saria-speaking of navi I haven't heard her in a while is she okay

Link-yhea but she got annoying so I covered her in duck tape

Saria-Link you have to let her go or she won't be able to breath and she will die

Link-and that means what to me

Saria-just unwrap her

Link-Okay  
link unwraps the duck tape from Navi making sure to pull hard enough to take off one of Navi's wings

Navi-hey look at my disfigured body hey listen to the brokenness of my body hey look at all the blood flowing out of me hey listen to life slowly slipping away through the many injuries of my body hey look…….

Saria-shut up were gonna snort some lines

Link-I gonna find Malon

on the other side of the ranch Malon sits singing her song to the tune of Epona song

Malon-Come Here Horse Come Here Horse Come Here E P O N A

Link-that's a pretty song but your horse is pretty slow it still not here oh wait there it is im gonna teach it to run fast watch see you take the horse you did its tail in some kerosene ignite it and let the horse run

Epona ran into a field of chickens thrashing and flailing its burning tail around incineration thousands of chickens and making McCnuggets out of others

Link-those chickens are gonna be pissed off

Malon-theymostdefinitelyare.

Link-Should we run

Malon-yes

Link-I told you I just can not understand you when you don't space your words

Malon-justrungoddamnit!

-----------------------------

Navi-so link and malon just abandon me and Saria

The Fenox- yes

Navi-and your not gonna explain how we meet back up are you

The Fenox-nope

Navi-we will just end up being somewhere together

The Fenox-yes

Navi-you know what END OF CHAPTER

The Fenox-You cant do that im the author

Navi- END OF CHAPTER why is it not working

The Fenox-because you are not the author now….

END OF CHAPTER


End file.
